Friday, August 04, 2006

What you feel is what you are, & what you are is beautiful.

It's amazing how things fit so perfectly. It can be kissing your lovers lips in a way they fit like a puzzle, and you have no intentions of ever letting go. It can be a crime scene investigation looking for clues for a perfectly devised murder and how all the clues fall into place. It's times like these that make you remember how you were and no matter how much you thought you changed, you didn't. Everything is the same as it was four years ago. You stay awake all night just to realize you've wasted another few hours of your life in a binge. You just pray to God that one day this nightmare will end the way you've always dreamt it would be. You come to notice that no matter how you try, nothing bad would happen, almost as if you were meant to live. The one who kept you alive is not breathing and suddenly everything comes back to you. Yes, it is all your fault. Yes, you could have done something about it. No, you will never die, no matter how hard you try. It's these exact words you tell yourself everday and it brings you down every single time. Everything goes good for a while, then you kill because you're tired of being happy. Now as you think of this, everything falls on you once again and you're trying to dig yourself out of all your despair. You realize there is too much to dig out for one person, so you give up and suffocate in your own mistakes. They say everything happens for a reason, and it's amazing how everything falls into place.

1st April's entry.

Time kinda flies.

Mrs Gay called me special. I wonder what that means. I don't feel special. But that.. really made today such a nice one. I guess small little things like these always seem to make me so much happier. Today.. made me think. I guess I am not a happy person sometimes. Most people know that I figured, they call it angst. I am not sure what to call it. What I often feel, I can't explain. I remember, I once told a friend of mine, I only want 15 minutes of happiness, pure bliss, and that's all I need. I don't want alot. But what I want, I often don't get. I long forgotten what it is like to feel.. happiness. I don't even know what to feel anym0re. Ignorance? Pain? Numb? My emotions often go wild, and they take me some place I would rather not go. I don't know what to feel anymore. Wake up Eva, I tell myself. You can be every hope you wish to feel. You can everything you wanted to be. You can be happy. But actions do speak louder than words. Maybe it's time to start.

If I can control myself better, maybe I won't take whatever that comes that hard. But, I don't. I need to know if it's okay to feel weak sometimes. Because I feel so weak. As selfish as it sounds, I want to be loved. I need to know that I am wanted, needed, and loved. Please don't judge me for this, thankyou. In one of my recent events, I said that love is an excuse to get hurt. And to hurt. Maybe it is so. Perhaps. I would love to know that I am wrong. Show me.

I think I don't make much sense.

It's just me and And Then I Turned Seven tonight.

Something tells me this is going be a case of 'wait and see' . Something tells me that I am going to grow up, look back, and laugh at how silly I used to be. Something tells me that all these issues I face now, isn't that bad after all. Something tells me that I should deal. It's crazy how things work out sometimes. Life's quite unpredictable. And it's crazy how our worlds can collide. Hey someone, I told you not too long ago. Maybe you remembered. Or maybe not. You know, I think I'll be alright somehow. I am afraid I will grow up and forget this all. I am scared I'll forget. As stupid as it sounds, I want to hold on to every single memory and suspend them all in one single moment, and it'll be forever. It'll last forever. Well, if only.

I run to you now if I could, but things have changed.

Goodnight, Love

 

COMMIT THIS TO MEMORY.